Saturday 21 April 2012

In the Midst of Life


I loved the recent series of Call the Midwife on BBC based on the book by the same name by Jennifer Worth.

I’ve just read her final book, In the Midst of Life. It is, as you would imagine, about death and I have to say it is one of the most courageous and honest books I have ever read.

We are programmed to believe these days that death is somehow not part of life and needs to be avoided at all costs. Perhaps that is putting it too simply, but I think you probably understand what I mean.

When I was four, a neighbour saw me heading up the garden with my beach spade. He asked what I was doing and I said I was going to dig my dog, Zulu, up because my dad and grandad had buried him while he was asleep. He rushed round to alert my parents. Because of this, I have always been careful with my children and grandchildren to never use the words “Put to sleep” when explaining the death of a pet.

When my children lost pets – hamsters mainly, I always encouraged them to say goodbye, to gently stroke the little body before we had the burial. It really helped. There is something about the sight of death that is reassuring. You really can see that the life has gone and it is a much different state to sleep.

The first person I saw it in was my dad. He looked so different in death, so peaceful and regal. We went to the Chapel of Rest to see him and my mum held his hand and said that all the anguish and worry had gone from him and he was at peace. It was true.

To get back to the book, I can only say that reading it has been an exercise in reality and reassurance. I thoroughly recommend it. It is not like Jenny Worth’s other books, but it is a very good read.

25 comments:

  1. It sounds a great read, Teresa. I too enjoyed " Call the midwife" and I was a nurse in the 60's too. Not quite the same time line but near enough to recognise many of the storylines. I shall read this book with pleasure!

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  2. What a wonderful blog post, Teresa! I had the identical experience when I saw my own father in the Chapel of Rest. He looked ennobled somehow. Himself plus. Beatified, almost! Saintly! It was tremendously reassuring and I really did feel he'd gone to a better place, even though I'm not religious. I agree that taking the euphemisms away from death is the best way to accustom children to it. On the other hand, when our cat died, my dad stuck him in a carrier bag and stuck him in the dustbin like a piece of rubbish, which was going much too far in the opposite direction. My mum never forgave him!

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  4. I hope you enjoy it, Pat. I found it very hard to put down x

    A wonderful experience, hydra. Not the cat in the carrier though - I know how you would have felt. When my cat went missing, someone phoned me a couple of months later to say he'd run him over and taken his body to the tip. That kind of thing haunts you doesn't it x

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  5. Thanks for your thoughtful post, Teresa. My children are always upset when pets die, but it teaches them about life and death. When one of our bantams died last year, we buried her in straw lined shoe box, she had her name written on a headstone (paving slab) and flowers on her grave. A fitting goodbye to our much loved girl. So sad to hear about your cat being taken to the tip and not brought home to you.

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  6. I agree, you have to be honest with children about these things. I remember taking my children out swimming one day and coming back and my poor seven-year-old son found our rabbit who'd died. Both pet rabbits and one of the pups that my sister's bitch gave birth to last year are all buried in our garden.

    I have Call The Midwife on my tbr pile and look forward to reading it.

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  7. Sounds good, Teresa - I loved Call the Midwife too. You're right about the way in which we handle death. I lost my father when I was 12 and several other close family members since. In fact I entered a recent writing comp about death and found it therapeutic (it's not judged yet).

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  8. A lovely thought provoking post Teresa. However, my mum never thought you should see a dead body, and so it was an idea we grew up with. When she died, we didn't let anyone see her body because of how she felt about it. I can see her point as it's better to have memories of that person alive and at their best than to remember them on their death bed. But I can also see that if someone has suffered and you have seen them suffer, then maybe to see them at peace is a good thing. There isn't a 'correct' way. It's very personal.

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  9. That sounds lovely, Kate, she was obviously very special x

    Oh your poor little boy, Debs, it must have been horrible for him to find the rabbit. It is rather nice though that we can bury them in the garden x

    I'm so sorry you lost your father so young, Rosemary. Good luck with the competition x

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  10. You're right, Maggie, it all depends upon the circumstances. I found it helped a great deal to see my dad, but I know from personal experience that it can be traumatic in some instances x

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  11. Thanks for sharing this, Teresa. You're very right about being honest about death and dying. I remember when one of aunts died (we were extremely close), I was in Germany and wasn't in Namibia to say a proper goodbye, to see her for the last time. I wish I had been there because being unable to say goodbye is the worst thing. That's why you're doing the right thing by allowing your kids to say goodbye. Have a lovely day, Teresa. Hugs.

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  12. It is so sad that being unable to say goodbye to your aunt still troubles you, Liz. You would have been thinking of her and she would have known that I'm sure x

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  13. Oh what a lovely blog post Teresa. It struck a real chord with me. I've lost a few close relatives recently. I saw my gran when she died last December, the first dead person I've seen. She looked so peaceful. I thought I couldn't do it - but when I saw her lying there so peaceful and, hopefully, reunited with my granddad it felt so right, if you know what I mean.

    I will download Jenner's book and read it now. Caroline x

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  14. What a great recommendation! Thank you Theresa - I will keep an eye out for this book in my local library! I love the story of you about to dig up your beloved dog. That is just so sad and so adorable too!

    Take care
    x

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  15. Yes, I know exactly what you mean, Caroline. It is good you have that peaceful memory x

    I used to drive my poor neighbour mad with my antics, Old Kitty. He was such a nice man, always in his garden and ready for a chat x

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  16. I must be one of the few people who hasn't read any of her books but I have been meaning to. Your post reminds me of this, thanks!

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  17. I will add the book to my wish list Teresa.

    Someone recently said to me that I had seen more than my fair share of death in recent years. I am at a loss as to know what a fair share is as we all die eventually. As sad and traumatic as witnessing the death of someone close to you is, as I have done with a father, brother and sister and two brothers-in-law, I have always been left with the feeling that they are still with me, more mine to talk to and closer than ever. My children have lost several friends whilst growing up and I used to think they had seen more than their fair share but as I say, a fair share does not exist. I suppose, the wider your circle of friends and the larger your family, the more grief you will eventually experience but first comes the happiness from knowing these people and this always remains. A lovely, thought provoking post. Thank you :-)

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  18. You're welcome, Jenny :-)x

    Oh, Deborah, what a lovely comment and what a positive attitude you have towards love and loss x

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  19. Yes, I think it's very important to be honest about this sort of thing with children. I think you have to be careful with some adults, though, who sometimes find - and I'm not blaming them - the word 'death' to be too difficult to deal with.

    I'll look out for that book.

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  20. As a nurse, I always told my children the truth about death. Like you, I encouraged them to say goodbye.

    I managed to see the series, Call The Midwife, over here, and loved it!

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  21. That's very true, Biddy x

    Brilliant wasn't it, Glynis! x

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  22. That's a really nice post Teresa. Gave me some comfort actually. Thank you x

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  23. That's nice, Diane, I'm glad :-) x

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  24. I adored Call The Midwife. Must get this book.

    XX

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