No, not to her – hers has been and gone. To me! I’m twelve today. I knew you’d be surprised. One look at my sylph-like frame, my soft flowing locks and you’d be fooled into thinking I was half my age. Oh all right, I admit it, I was only two in that picture up the top, but the rest were taken today!
Actually I may be exaggerating a tad here with sylph-like. Stretching the truth just a teensy bit.
We were out for a walk on Tuesday and I was doing my best, chasing the tennis ball, bringing it back, sploshing through puddles, as you do, when I heard her say something about a barrel. My ears pricked up – well I can’t prick them up, but I can flap them. A barrel of custard perhaps? Or a barrel of chocolate? Show me the way.
I heard words such as “tank”, “rotund” and then I heard the word every dog dreads the most.
Who could she be talking about? I looked round. Besides me, there wasn’t a soul in sight. I thought she might be talking about a group of fat seagulls gathered on the rugby pitch, but no such luck.
As for the flowing locks – they’re going to be chopped off. They think that they’ve gone woolly and might be adding to my portly – portly! – appearance.
She thinks she might have been spoiling me of late. I’ve yet to see any evidence of spoiling. Sharing. Yes. But sharing isn’t spoiling. I’d share my dinner with her. Well no, actually I wouldn’t, but that’s beside the point.
Anyway, how’s that for a rotten birthday treat. A diet. And possibly more exercise. What?
This is me out exercising today! You don't get a lolling tongue like that without putting a bit of effort in and between you and me I have never seen her with her tongue hanging out and believe you me if anyone needs to be getting more exercise it's her!
Apparently – this is according to her – I have got lazy. Me! She’s been taking me out in the car to some fields that are only slightly under water instead of the very under water ones in walking distance and now when we go out, I always head for the car. Who wouldn’t? I don’t see her in a hurry to walk anywhere.
I did have a nice birthday surprise today. One of my special little people was sent home from school feeling poorly, so I had three of my little people here with me! Yay! Not yay that he was feeling poorly, but yay I had someone else to cuddle.
So watch this space folks. She’ll have me togged up in lycra sitting astride an exercise bike whilst gnawing on an apple core before you can say “Who hid the biscuit tin?”
Food parcels at this difficult time would be more than welcome. I’ll eat anything. Anything at all. And lots of it! Please! But not a word to Her Indoors – she wouldn’t understand (or she might get there first and eat it all).