Friday, 4 September 2009

The Fount Of All Knowledge

This week I have mostly been eating lettuce.

No I haven’t really. I’ve been off on my adventures. But I have been watching reruns of The Fast Show.

On Sunday it was Roxanna and Jordan’s joint birthday party in Halton – three hours, 25 kids, a soft play area and lots of lovely food!

Guess who almost got stuck climbing up into the soft play bit? Well I’m not telling you – it’s too embarrassing. It’s all right if you’re a child and can wriggle like a snake, but when you’re getting on a bit and parts of you that used to be bendable have become rigid, going up and at the same time backwards and up again and forward isn’t so easy.

Roxy and Imogen were like peas in a pod – well two girls in a toy car made for one - like Cagney and Lacey or Thelma and Louise as they sped up and down the hall a la the Flintstones. The girls did their own thing and why not?

Then there was the eventful night in the hotel . . . but you don’t want to hear about that.

We had another trip to Bressingham this week where Imogen managed five rides on the Carousel despite only being entitled to three. She’s two years old and she got chatting to a five year old boy on the next horse. By the time the ride finished she had his age, name, the day he’s starting school and the titles of his favourite books. About the only thing she didn’t get was his phone number.

Next week Lachlan starts school. That’s kind of been on my mind a lot lately. Seeing them all dressed up in their school uniforms for the first time is a Lump In The Throat moment. He gave me a twirl today and looked so smart and grown up that as well as the lump in my throat I had puddles in my glasses.

I have been otherwise amusing myself by lurking round a forum or two. Amazing what you learn.

A certain male writer who is regularly published in women’s magazines is really a woman! I will have to have words with him as he’s obviously been keeping something from me.

Just to clarify the above - the male writer in question is definitely a man! NOT a woman. I have no idea where the person who claimed otherwise got their information from, but they couldn't be more wrong! I just thought it was a good example of how people can state something as a fact and yet clearly not know the truth.

I wrote a whole list of untruths that I have uncovered, but then I thought to hell with it and deleted it all. Life’s too short to go round nit-picking. I’m sure people mean well when they put in their two-penneth worth.

This morning as I padded back and forth between bedroom, office and bathroom in my usual half asleep state, I paid little heed to the piece of fluff on the floor outside the bedroom door. I may even have trodden on it.

Then I was asked if I’d seen the deceased spider . . . noooo. With my glasses on I saw that the piece of fluff was in possession of eight hairy legs. It has Indy’s paw prints all over it (and quite a bit of his fur surrounding it – I’d guess it was a ferocious battle). I think that it was heading for the baby’s room and Indy took it upon himself to save her – Isabel may be able to crawl now, but she’s not got the speed to outrun a spider.

Usually “Spider” is enough to get him charging in to the rescue – even if you whisper the word for fear of letting the spider know you’re onto it. I don’t make a habit of killing spiders or encouraging Indy to kill them, but sometimes when they have you cornered in the bathroom, cowering in the shower, there’s no choice but to call for canine help.

If at all possible, I go for the large glass and piece of stiff card method of removal.

Tilly is terrified of spiders. She’s scared of most things. She fled from the room the other night because a moth had fluttered in and she went off to hide under the bed while Indy was leaping round like a thing possessed trying to catch it.

I took a photo of the spider using the macro function. Big mistake. When I put it up on the computer screen and it appeared so huge I nearly died of fright – you can see every hair on its legs. I can’t look at a picture of a spider without my skin crawling. So in order not to kill anyone who has made it this far and who may be similarly sensitive I will make the picture small when I add it to this post.

And please, please – if anyone out there thinks it is just an empty spider’s skin and the owner is now stamping about somewhere in my house bigger than ever with a brand new set of leathers – keep it to yourself!

I’ve been having disturbing and vivid dreams for the past week or so. Not all of them nasty I must say.

I also have my spell dish up and running! See here for instructions

In Other News (if you’re still here).

I am happy to announce that as I am in possession of a sturdy pair of chunky thighs (slap – wobble!) I am less likely to die of coronary disease than someone with the kind of slender pins I have always envied!

How many of you have had your tape measures out since the news was announced?

My husband is safe too. I thought he had skinny legs until I got my tape measure out which has led me to a conclusion. My legs are not fat, they are merely too short. If they were as long as his they would look fine.

In case you missed it you need to have thighs with a circumference of 60 cm to be safe from early death.

We have Professor Berit Heitmann to thank for this revelation! More power to her I say! I am sincerely hoping that she will later reveal that a double chin is a sign of great beauty and a large bottom an indicator of superior intelligence.

Well I can dream can’t I?


  1. Maybe that's why the spider died - its thighs were too skinny!

  2. Why is it that as soon as anyone says 'but you don't want to hear about that' I immediately want to know all the details?

  3. Oh Juliet - that made me laugh! I wish I'd thought of that!!

    Because you're a writer, Patsy!

  4. Sounds like you had quite an adventure, Teresa. I have been reading your stories and Shiela's in the magazines - excellent as always and very motivating.

    I hate spiders too but will tolerate them - just, as long as they don't get too close to me. I was just in the bath and had one staring at me from the corner of the bathroom - we have an understanding that spider and I!

    Awwwh I bet Lachlan looks so cute. I went up to my daughter's school today to get a book back - they opened for the afternoon for parents to get last minute bits of uniform. I have been waiting to get this book bag since the end of June! Isobel starts on Monday and I'm so excited - I think if I cry it will be tears of joy!!! No, I'm sure I will beside myself. It's BIG step and milestone in their lives and ours. I only have one child and won't be having any more so it's quite an occasion for me. We will have to 'virtually' console each other on Monday, Teresa!

    My thighs are good for my health wooh hooh!! Anyone for chocolate.

    Oooh I love the air of mystery and romance when a man writes as a woman or vice versa! A whole new persona!

    Julie xx

  5. Brilliant post Teresa although I admit I nearly didn't get to the end for fear of seeing the spider - thank goodness he was squished. And I felt exactly the same as Patsy; you never, ever say to a nosy individual like me 'you don't want to hear about this' because I do....

  6. I only know of one male writer who gets published regularly in women's mags, Teresa. It can't be him, surely?

  7. Lots of story fodder there, that's for sure!

  8. Hmm, you've got me thinking about the male writer. I can think of two male writer's names I've seen regularly. One of whom is definitely a bloke, and I've met him. Must be the other one, ooh er.

    Know what you mean about kids in new school uniforms. My younger son's starting secondary school. He was all dressed up smartly on Thursday morning for his first day at school. I took photos of him, proud as punch, and sent him off on his bike.

    Four days early. He's not supposed to start till Monday.

  9. I should clear this up - the male writer that someone said quite confidently was a woman - is a MAN! Most definitely! I think I'd best edit my post to clarify this!

    Thank you Julie! I've had "understandings" with spiders before - as long as they leave me alone I'll leave them alone. I will be thinking of you on Monday Julie - Big Step!

    Ah but Helen, you'd be really disappointed if I told you the hotel story now!

    He is definitely a guy, Geri! I don't know how these rumours get started.

    Yes indeed Helen.

    BLimey womag, how far away is your son's school that he'll need four days to get there?
    I once took my youngest son back to school a day early - I'll never forget it, but he has!

  10. What a great post - and I also want to know all the details!

    I've heard the 'man who is a woman' story and had believed it, because of where it came from (though I can no longer remember where that was.) It even included the female writer's name (regularly published) who uses the male name as a pseudonym (though I can no longer remember who that was!)
    So - gullible and forgetful - I suppose that at least makes me less likely to pass on spurious information.

  11. Bernadette - reading your comment made me breathe a sigh of relief! I'm so glad I'm not alone in being gullible and forgetful!
    And I think I'd heard that one - about a female writer who uses a male name as a psuedonym somewhere too . . but damned if I can remember where or when!

  12. Phew! Thanks for clearing that one up!

  13. Would Indy be any good with frogs? If so, can I hire him? One has taken up residence under my aubretia patch and I want to divide it. The aubretia, not the frog. On the other hand...

  14. Oh, I forgot. Happy anniversary.

  15. I wonder if having boobs that graze the carpet is a sign of immense sexual attraction eh? Nah, probably not! I'll just have to get them surgically lifted then.

  16. I'm thrilled that Tilly is terrified of spiders my babies want to grab anything that moves I wonder if Tilly could give them some cowering lessons?

  17. If it moves Indy will catch it for you, Marian!

    Boobs that graze the carpet definitely a sign of immense sexual attraction MOB and why not?!

    Tilly would be only too pleased, Lacey!

  18. Marianne Dryburgh8 September 2009 at 11:50

    Just measured mine and one is 59cm and the other is an exact 60cm. I am now wondering if this means I am on the cusp of imminent death-inducing ill health? Not that I am being paranoid.
    It feels nice to have something more concrete than piles of washing to worry about for the next 5 minutes. Ah well, I shall put the kettle on to boil and make myself a coffee.
    You wouldn't happen to know if coffee has been decreed to be good or bad for a person this week?

  19. Last I heard coffee was vital for good health, Marianne! Enjoy yours before someone decides it's bad for us and it has to be banned or rationed or something!